Monday, October 27, 2014

ANATOMY OF: WWE Hell in a Cell 2014 - A FJMing of TJR

If you don’t know what a FJMing is, wow have you failed at life for never having gone to this site.  Anyway, I will be using John Canton’s always wonderful results and commentary column as my basis for this FJMing.  Here's an example of how it will go. I know nothing about last night's PPV - second straight PPV I had a migraine the night of that prevented me from watching - so this should be informative, fun and in no way infuriating.  We will be using typical FJMing formatting, which is to say that John Canton’s words will be in bold.  Mine will be in not bold.  Let’s go!

There's a sold out crowd in Dallas, so that's good. The set is basically the same as the Raw and Smackdown set although there's no ramp. Blame it on budget cuts, folks.
There's not even a ramp now?!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  They couldn't at least get a cheap one and put down monthly payments of $9.99 for 6 months?!?!?

The first match is Dolph Ziggler vs. Cesaro, so they're going to start it off with a match that could be a classic.
Good strategy.  Let's hope they keep it going with the rest of the card's order! (that means put Ambrose/Rollins on last)

Intercontinental Title 2/3 Falls: Dolph Ziggler vs. Cesaro
WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN - Greatest 2/3 Falls match since Three Stages of Hell.  Cesaro wins and holds the belt until he drops it to enter the World title picture.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN - The first two falls happen within the first 10 minutes because of course it makes sense for each guy to get pinned in the space of 10 minutes at a PPV match.  Ziggler wins the third fall and both stay in purgatory.

They worked a slow pace early with Cesaro grabbing a headlock. Cesaro shaved his head for this one. Usually he keeps some hair on top. 
He does?!  I had no idea.

Cesaro teased a Cesaro Swing, Ziggler fought out of it, but then Cesaro applied the Cesaro Swing. It drew a pop from the crowd as well as a two count. Ziggler grabbed an inside cradle and got the first fall after four minutes.

Winner of first fall: Dolph Ziggler
To recap: swinging a guy around over and over until throwing him down isn't enough to get a pinfall but an inside cradle is.  I haven't run the numbers on this but I'm pretty sure WWE does inside cradle finishes 70% more than it should (and 95% more than it should in Divas matches.)
There was a 30 second rest period 
After four minutes?!
The announcers talked about how hard it is to put Ziggler away even though he has lost a few non-title matches in the last month. 
This is supposed to be trolling, right?
Cesaro had Ziggler in a cradle in his arms, then climbed up the turnbuckle and hit a superplex. Wow. That was incredible. That description doesn't do it justice.  
I'm sure it was but I've got this sinking feeling that Cesaro is Kofi Kingston, every match he wrestles is the Rumble and he's there just to do his super neat spot.
Fans chanted "this is awesome" as we hit the ten minute mark
Since I'm in the mood for analogies, here's another - What the fans have done to "this is awesome" is akin to what WWE did with Fandango'ing.
Cesaro caught Ziggler, tossed him up and hit a huge uppercut for a two count. That got him a win on Raw in a non-title match. Cesaro backbreaker for two. Ziggler with an arm wringer, a Superkick and a Zig Zag for the victory after 13 minutes.
Winner of second fall: Dolph Ziggler
Winner by 2 Falls to 0: Dolph Ziggler
Post match, Ziggler celebrated with the IC Title and the fans were very happy about it.
I'm sure they were thrilled they didn't get a 3rd fall in a 2/3 falls match.  What was the point of the stipulation?  I can't even believe I'm bitching about stipulations and we're not even at a Cell match yet.
Analysis: ***1/2 That was really good as expected. Any time these two wrestle it's going to be a great match, but I was hoping for a longer match. Maybe I'm being greedy in saying that. It's just that when you have a 2/3 Falls Match it usually means the wrestlers will get more time than what we were used to seeing. Instead, they got 13 minutes. That's fine, but it would have been better if they had 18-20 minutes and got a chance to really deliver a classic. That's what WWE needs to do a better job of with the IC Title. It would be more of a showcase for the title and the champion if they got more time. That finish was good because it was emphatic. Ziggler hit three moves in succession to put Cesaro away. I expected Ziggler to win and I don't mind the 2-0 win either. It puts him over huge. Cesaro won't really be hurt by it.
Agree until the end.  Cesaro won't really be hurt by the ignominy of being the first dude to ever lose a 2/3 falls match in 2 falls?  He lost the first fall on an inside cradle and was dominated to lose the second - which is really bad since his whole deal is being a superman.  How is he not buried by this?  Because of one really nice move that popped the crowd?  He's Kofi Kingston.  Take it from a still diehard Kofi Kingston fan.  I hope I'm wrong but I know I'm not.
There was a commercial for WWE Network, which is what I'm watching on. The announcers basically insulted the people that watched it on PPV telling them they paid too much money for it.
About damn time they mentioned the elephant in the room - them streams.
The Authority was backstage talking about things with Triple H, Stephanie McMahon and Kane having a small talk moment. Randy Orton wanted to know where Seth Rollins was. He wanted to tell Rollins to stay out of his business. Steph told him to focus on Cena. Hunter said to put himself in Rollins shoes and that Rollins attacked Orton before Orton could attack Rollins. Hunter said Orton needs to focus on beating Cena. Orton says he'll do it their way, but if they don't deal with Rollins then he will.
I thought that it would've been pretty cool that if The Authority made Orton and Rollins each pick someone to wrestle for them on the pre-show and the winner got the main event.  It would've worked too since they were both posturing to be in the main event on TV in recent weeks and the seeds of their breakup have been planted and growing for weeks now.  But I'm just a dude running a blog he barely updates and nobody reads.
Nikki Bella vs. Brie Bella
WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN - Kharma returns, destroys both and we get the one No Contest we can all believe in.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN - Nikki wins and POOR POOR BRIE BELLA has to be a slave for a month or whatever.
How am I supposed to tell the difference between them? Oh right, Nikki's business investments on her chest.  
I'm pretty sure Brie's got the better ass too but they haven't exactly sexualized her since this whole storyline began back in April.
Brie made a comeback with a Bella Buster facebuster for a two count. That's her finisher, yet Nikki kicked out of it three minutes into the match. 
Oh please, I'm sure SOMEBODY kicked out of an X Factor 3 minutes in to a match once.  Don't be such a drama queen.
Brie applied the Yes Lock
I don't even wanna know what this looked like.  On the other hand, I've seen literally hundreds of John Cena STF's so I'm probably desensitized.
but Nikki got her foot on the rope. Brie got in close, so Nikki nailed her with another forearm shot. Nikki hit the Rack Attack again and that was enough for the pinfall after seven minutes.
Winner by pinfall: Nikki Bella
Nikki did some mock "yes" chants to taunt her sister. That means that Brie has to be the assistant of Nikki.
What does Nikki Bella even need an assistant for?  Especially considering she's in the good graces of the people who run the show.
Analysis: *3/4 They worked hard and had some creative nearfalls in there, so that's good. It was surprising to see them kicking out of finishers in a seven minute match like that although it made it more competitive. Nikki was my pick because whenever they do these stipulations the heel usually wins. It's a way to make the babyface more sympathetic so that when they get their big win it means they overcame the odds. In other words, there will be more Bella Twins matches soon.
(seriously blows my mind that he's an analyst for ESPN now)
Tag Team Titles: Goldust & Stardust vs. The Usos
You know what, I'm not doing this anymore.  Skip to the finish, not that I care either way.
Jey hit a superplex on Goldust and Jimmy hit one on Stardust. It's a superplex kind of night. Jey hit a top rope splash on Goldust, but Stardust broke up the pin. With Jimmy running into the ring, Stardust kicked Jey in the back of the knee (the ref was trying to keep Jimmy away) and Goldust hit the Final Cut for the pinfall win after 11 minutes.
Winners by pinfall: Goldust & Stardust
Good.  Have them keep the titles until The Ascension comes up and beats their asses, turning them face.  Or, you know, do anything whatsoever that turns them face.
Up next is John Cena vs. Randy Orton in a Hell in a Cell match. That means Rollins vs. Ambrose is going on last. Good call, WWE.
You know what?  WWE is so hilariously tone deaf to the fans so often that it's almost a disappointment when they manage to get it right.  But good for them.
There was a video package about rivalries and how "greatness always finds greatness." There were clips of Hogan/Piper, Austin/Rock and others, even mentioning sports rivalries like Brady/Manning in the NFL. It was really good although Cena/Orton really haven't produced the kind of memorable moments to make it as epic as WWE makes it out to be.
I can't name a single memorable Cena/Orton match other than the Royal Rumble and THAT was only memorable because of the all time shocker moment of the Wyatt blerp.
Randy Orton entered first followed by John Cena. The winner of this match gets a future WWE Title shot at Brock Lesnar.
There's NO WAY they actually try a face Orton against Lesnar, is there?
Hell In A Cell Match: Randy Orton vs. John Cena
WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN - Crowd craps on this like Lesnar/Goldberg, Cena wins if only to keep the remote possibility of Rollins winning in play.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN - Spoilers Cena wins, whatever
Orton hit him in the back and Cena went face first into the cage as the fans chanted "RKO" in support for Orton.
Jesus.  They've GOT to turn Cena heel sooner or later, right?  I mean, smarks chanting for RANDY ORTON is just another level.  Also, that was the first thing I felt like commenting on in the match report.  Thrilling match between the two greatest of the generation you guys!
Cena whipped Orton into the cage three times in a row. Cena brought a table into the ring. Orton came back with a dropkick and then tossed Cena into the wedged chair with each move earning a nearfall. Orton stacked the table in the corner. Cena hit a shoulder block. He went for another one, but Orton hit a RKO out of nowhere. Wow that was cool! Great spot right there. Orton covered for two and then he was shocked that Cena kicked out. It was great because Cena jumped into it, so it looked even better on the replay.
Diamond Dallas Page must feel like a proud papa that his move has found new life in 2014 simply from opponents jumping in to it.
Orton sent Cena through the table for a two count.
#RememberWhen going through a table used to mean something.  The Dudleyz must feel like not so proud papas.
Orton brought the steel steps into the ring. Orton took a long time to set Cena up, so Cena hit a spinning suplex onto the steps. Cena hit the Five Knuckle Shuffle as Orton was dazed. Orton slipped out of the Attitude Adjustment and hit a low blow. Great heel move. Orton set up for the Punt, but Cena moved and he applied the STF on Orton. The move was locked in for about 30 seconds when Orton got to the rope and then crawled to the floor because getting to the rope didn't cause a break in this match. They passed the 20 minute mark.
This all sounds somewhat interesting.
Cena picked up the steel steps and tried to throw them at Orton, but Orton moved. 
Stop there.  They should've busted through the side of the cage and allowed for Authority interference.  Instead?
Cena brought another table into the ring. Cena placed Orton on the table. He went up top for a leg drop, but Orton tripped him up on the top rope. Some fans were chanting RKO. Orton set him up for it off the top rope, but Cena held onto the ropes. Cena was on the middle ropes. He put Orton on his shoulders and gave him the Attitude Adjustment through the table. Cena covered for the pinfall win after 26 minutes.
Winner by pinfall: John Cena
What's the percentage of hardcore matches Cena has ended by AAing someone through something since, say, the Edge feud?  75%?  Higher?

Analysis: **** That was a long match and they did a really good job of making it competitive the whole way through. Sometimes when you get 26 minutes it could be too boring, but they really built things up well. They kicked out of their biggest moves in order to have some believable nearfalls. You could tell the crowd took their time warming up to the match, but once they got into the last 10-15 minutes they had won the crowd over. This wasn't like the Royal Rumble where the crowd hated them. This crowd appreciated their work. They have a lot of haters, but give them a lot of credit for putting on a great match inside the Cell. Orton kicked out of the Attitude Adjustment twice, so it's not like he looked bad in the match. They told the story that the guy that hit their finisher in a major way was going to win and that's what happened when Cena hit the AA through the table for the win.

It DID sound like it got considerably better in the second half of the match.  And they set the bar high for Rollins/Ambrose so that's good.

Big Show was in the locker room getting ready for his match. His buddy Mark Henry walked in to support him. Show said he's going to beat Rusev for everybody and his country. When he said he would beat him for Henry, Mark had a puzzled look on his face.
Analysis: The rumor is that Henry is going heel soon. That face he made is a sign that it's coming soon.
It's US Title time. During the Kickoff Show, Sheamus hit a Brogue Kick into camera as a message to Miz and Mizdow.
LOL at that and LOL at this going on right after Cena/Orton (it's almost like they're trying to kill Sandow heat!)
United States Title: Sheamus vs. The Miz (w/Damien Mizdow)
WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN - Sandow gets the pin
WHAT WILL HAPPEN - Sheamus gets the pin
The announcers were talking about voodoo for this match because they don't seem to understand what a stunt double is. 
A friend did a review of an old This Tuesday in Texas (the one with Roberts/Savage) and noted a bunch of the great lines that Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan said on commentary.  I actually have never hated Cole and I still mostly like JBL but man, we've fallen far.
Miz hit his backbreaker/neckbreaker combo for two. Miz DDT for two as the crowd laughed at Mizdow acting outside the ring and they chanted "Mizdow's awesome." Sheamus came back with a Powerslam. Mizdow jumped on the apron. Miz got a rollup. Sheamus rolled through, but the ref wasn't there to count. More Mizdow distraction, so Miz hit the Skull Crushing Finale for two. Miz hit a corner clothesline. Miz went to the top rope, he tried the double axehandle and Sheamus countered with the Brogue Kick for the win after nine minutes.
Winner by pinfall: Sheamus
That paragraph came in with some happiness and went out with crippling depression.
Post match, Mizdow laid down beside Miz. Sheamus held up the arm of Miz, then sat him up and kicked him down. Mizdow mimicked everything. The crowd laughed. Sheamus picked up Miz, shook him around, put his arms in the air and did the YMCA motions with his hands. Sheamus gave Miz another Brogue Kick. Mizdow also collapsed. Sheamus left.
For once, their booking of Sheamus as a goofster is paying off.  Damian Sandow is magical.
Analysis: ** It was an average match done for the jokes more than anything. The Mizdow gimmick is more over than Miz, so it will probably lead to Sandow turning face in the near future.
I shouldn't be worried about this but I'm worried about Sandow as a face.  Especially since he'll be getting zero help from Heel Miz in that feud.
Post match, Brie Bella was shown loading bags into a car. Nikki wondered if Brie made her dinner reservation and wanted her smoothie, so Brie gave it to her. Nikki poured the smoothie on Brie. She told her to make her smoothie the same way and bring it to her hotel room. Nikki left in the car while Brie was all sad.
Analysis: That's the follow up to the "personal assistance" angle. I guess we'll be getting skits like that for the next month.
Hopefully Nikki doesn't plan on drinking that smoothie because it's gonna have some nasty stuff in it.  Also, I kind of hope there's one RAW (maybe tonight's!) where they're just stalling for Monday Night Football halftime and fill the time entirely with these skits.
Rusev entered first along with the ravishing Russian Lana, who was wearing pink. 
I'm almost positive she hasn't worn pink before.  Might have to "fact check" that one though.
Lana did a promo saying two superpowers will collide for the supremacy of the world.
Big Show vs. Rusev (w/Lana)
WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN - Mark Henry heel turn
WHAT WILL HAPPEN - Mark Henry heel turn.  Hey, I agree with what will happen for once!  Now it's not going to happen :(
Rusev tried the Accolade. It didn't work because Show turned it into a submission where he bent Rusev back and held his legs. Never seen Show use that move before. 
Yeah no crap nobody's ever been able to put DE BEEG SHOW in a camel clutch before.
Mark Henry walked down the aisle to cheer on Show.
Telegraph it more, please!
Show rolled Rusev back into the ring. He slowly went back in the ring as if to tell Henry he had this and Rusev nailed him with a Superkick. Henry was on the apron, so Rusev hit a Superkick on him. Rusev hit a Superkick on Show and then another one to Show. Accolade submission by Rusev. It was tough for him to apply it, but Rusev got it on him.  Show tried to fight it. He couldn't. Show tapped out, so Rusev won via submission after eight minutes.
Winner by submission: Rusev
Post match, the Russian flag was above the ring. Henry tried to help his buddy Big Show. Rusev celebrated with Lana. What a lucky guy. Meanwhile, JBL mentioned that Show was just another superstar that embarrassed their country.  
Okay, nevermind.  So Henry being out there was completely pointless as usual?  Right.
Analysis: *3/4 In the preview I wrote that they should have a match that is done in under ten minutes. They went about eight minutes, so they made the right call on it. Another thing I liked about it was that Show lost clean. It was a decisive win for Rusev, who had to slow Show down by hitting multiple Superkicks to stun him. They brought Mark Henry out there to potentially tease a heel turn by him, but he didn't get involved at all. It's better for Rusev to win clean. It's been a predictable show so far since I've gone 6-0 in my predictions at this point.
Yeah, it's true the clean win is better.  The heel turn just seemed obvious - maybe it's coming tonight.  No more large jobbers for Rusev.  It's BEEN time for Rusev/Cena.  Hell they should've done that instead of pooping up Ambrose/Rollins with him but whatever.
Dean Ambrose did a promo backstage where he basically said he was going to destroy Seth Rollins. He told Rollins he's going to pay for his actions as they both burn in hell.
This late in the show before either one of them makes an appearance?
Divas Title: AJ Lee vs. Paige (w/Alicia Fox)
Another one I care not at all about because it has made zero progress in three months like it's one of my college semesters.  Also Paige (and her valet!) is going to Total Divas so R.I.P. her career.
Alicia rolled Paige into the ring and AJ applied the Black Widow. Paige tapped out to give AJ the submission win after 7 minutes. At least that drew a mild reaction.
Winner by submission: AJ Lee
Post match, Paige slapped Alicia in the face and left the ring saying it was it her fault. Paige said "I hate you" as she walked up the aisle.
Nothing worth commenting on here so I'm opening another discussion: Iggy Azalea is sexier as the waitress in the "Black Widow" video than anywhere else you'll see her, right? Seriously.
There was a commercial for a WWE Rivalries show that premieres on WWE Network following Raw on Monday. That's a great idea for a show. Looking forward to it. I'm assuming that Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle isn't on it. Just a hunch.
Kerwin White is featured or we riot.
Alright, I'm actually gonna watch Ambrose/Rollins and that'll get its own post later.  Hopefully I'll be writing about the Match of the Year!

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